Home, James

Sometimes I just think about where my life is headed and I think, I absolutely won’t be able to bear it if this is all life is: unvarying 9-5 jobs, coming home in the dark, eating dinner and dicking around, not really being able to focus on anything because you’re stuck in this endless loop of days passing so quickly you don’t even know they’ve come and gone. Then it’s time to go to bed and think about the failures and quibbles of the day and before you know it it’s time to get up again and do the whole thing all over again. Months and years will pass so easily and so unnoticed that it’s terrifying. Even if it’s a great place to work, even if you like the people you’re working with, it’s just such a confined set of actions that I feel like if I start to think about spending my entire life repeating and repeating them I just want to scream or run away or quit everything.

I don’t know how people do it. It’s only after you leave the academic safety/freedom of school that you realize these things—I don’t want to do this for forever, and waste my best years in an office building. But isn’t that what The Real World is for most of us? I don’t even know.